I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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