So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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