the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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