i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
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I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
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KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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