Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
