I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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