Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
