Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
