Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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