I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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