apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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