I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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