I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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