My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
