i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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