i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
