How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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