how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
