mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
