I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's blow job season.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
