Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
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