life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
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