look no pants
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
