just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
