My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
