omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
