you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
