Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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