just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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