Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
