Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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