woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
