I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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