i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
cat food counts as protein by the way
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
