She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
