Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
