I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
