Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
