he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
