Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
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Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
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Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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