so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
