just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
