Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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