if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
smell my finger.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
