clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
