I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
