Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
