So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
