please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
