maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
