I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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