I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
