Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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