Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's never too late to be topless.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
