if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
