How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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