remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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